Torn

Torn
Meniscus
Surgery
December
10th

Ran today at 5:45AM
Dark
Cold
No music
Of course nothing hurt! My knee will probably quit hurting now! The same way that the car doesn't make the noise in front of the mechanic. The same way that the baby or the puppy doesn't do the funny thing in front of the audience.

I am really ready to get back into shape. I am gaining weight and am starting to snore at night.
My wife is very supportive. She too has decided that running makes me a better man!!!

It's getting close . . .

MRI results on Monday.


I don't have the results right now so I am going to run downtown right now . . .!

20 degrees.

Bought a pair of Saucony thermal running pants last winter that are going to make their November 2012 debut.

This is the song that it is going to be bouncing in my head:

Update...

My MRI got moved up to Monday.
I will find out my fate the following Monday with a consult with my doctor.

I have been running about every other day.
Only a couple of miles but enough to keep the demons at bay!

This morning I ran in East Peoria and then ran over the bridge into Peoria. I realize that Peoria is not Paris but it is all I got! It felt incredible. The last time that I ran across a REAL bridge was in March with my brother in Boston. Running "up" a bridge (this one wasn't flat) . . .almost feels like taking off for flight. I loved every step of my run today.
I took this picture with my phone.

I got my fix . . .

7:30AM

2.5 mile run

I got my fix for the day. My knee didn't kill me. Three hours later it's still not killing me.
I can breathe again.

When I run it is like I am shooting some sort of drug directly into my veins. . .

Those of you who run know what I am talking about.

It is going to rain tomorrow. I am going to run in it. If my knee is screwed up - -it is screwed up. A little rain might be good for it  !!!

3AM THOUGHTS

SIMPLE           PURE           RAW

That is what running is to me. . . .SIMPLE      PURE        RAW

 Left to my own devices . . . .I am none of these.

Interestingly, I would use these adjectives to describe God.

I don't have running right now . . . .but I do have God. Believe me, he has been  talking to me about my over-dependence on running and how it has defined me. HE wants to  me. . I 

Pushing to go under the knife . . .

For insurance reasons if I am going to have surgery, I need to have it before the end of the year.

I am going to see if we can get moving on this thing.

My "piss on it" attitude had me sprinting for a half mile down the middle of one of the busiest streets in my town on Sunday. Five days later my knee still growls.

I have been working out. I have been doing the elliptical. I have been going insane. . .

I was on the road 1500 miles this week, had 250 phone calls, 400 emails and not a single mile under my feet to shake it all off with.

THIS SONG IS ONE OF MY NEW ANTHEMS.
OATS IN THE WATER - BEN HOWARD
It is what I work out to. It is what I am going to run to. It is what I listen to when I think about myself getting back on the dark streets pounding out miles, years, hurt . . . .

I ran today . . . .

I ran today and I don't care if my meniscus tore a little more!

1.5 miles

I floated.

I sweat.

It was if God came down and pushed me along.

My mind is clearer. My heart is clearer.

I am convinced that I have to have knee surgery anyway. I am calling this week to schedule an MRI.
I have came to the conclusion that if he has to go inside my knee anyway . . . .a couple miles more here and there isn't going to change anything!

I am going to sleep good tonight. . .

We went to the IHSA Cross Country Championships today. I LOVE the sound of competition. . .

I purposely don't have a spot on this blog for comments . . . mostly so that those of you who follow this can't publicly call me an idiot!!! However, those of you who run know exactly what it feels like to run after a long absence. It was if I was shooting LIFE directly into my veins again.

This is the song that is dancing in my head today:
Grouplove

 

And for the record . . . .even though my knee may be pissed at me for a couple of days . . .it was worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight . . .

Tonight our 6 year old daughter told me that she would rather say that Maggie (the dog we just lost) passed away instead of died. She said that passed away makes her feel happy inside  - died makes her feel sad. I think she is right . . .

My knee hurts. That is not a good sign. A cortisone shot is pretty much supposed to numb everything - -unless it is bad.  I have a strange feeling that this is worse than I want it to be.

I have been working out every day. Surprisingly I have not gained any weight. It has been a long time since I have ran. I am sad. I miss the "me" that greeted the morning in the dark. I miss the "me" that would sweat, and stretch on the brick wall down the street. I miss the "me" that would drink water for strength and survival - - - I plain miss "me." I miss being a little on edge stepping out into the dark morning and talking to my God about keeping me safe. I miss planning my weekend runs. The leaves came and went and not once did I get to run in them, or smell them. I understand that I sound like a bad Hallmark card . . .but those of you out there who run . .you know what I mean.

Honestly, I am scared that my knee is so shredded that I may not be able to run again without pain. I am doing the best that I can (after all, nobody is dying here) by working out and doing the stupid elliptical . . . .but I MISS ME. I had to go to the store to get Outside magazine because if I can't have adventure then I need to read about it. I will not go down gracefully. I will fight this thing to the end. I understand that I am 43 years old . . .but I have more marathon type adventures left in me. THAT man is the man that my wife, children, family and friends need - - -that is the guy that I am trying to find . . .without running.

Listening to this today: Michael Kiwanuki
This is ALL I listened to in Mexico.