Ugh . . .

7:00pm

I am so wired right now I am tempted to putting on my running shoes and sprint for about 45 seconds. I feel like I just shot Starbucks in my veins. Not long ago these legs were doing 30 to 40 miles per week. Now they do zero.

The only people who understand this are people who are fed by the same sickening fuel. It has been a long time since I have had the adrenaline rush, the blood rush, the sweat rush, the endorphine rush that only running can provide. 

I am going to try to wait until 2 weeks from Thursday to run. . . .

I have been lifting weights. It sucks.

Thankful

Thankful that I get it . . .

Where I'm At . . .

Haven't ran in a long, long time.

My wife is gone for the weekend so it is me and my kids. We eat crap and spend money on things we don't usually spend money on.

Our son runs in Sectionals tomorrow.

Since my wife is gone and my son too . . . I won't be able to workout today or tomorrow.

I have been doing alot of research on bikes. . .

I am to the point where I am almost ready to make an agreement with God that says, "if you heal this knee soon, I won't ever run more than 7 miles." I've made those promises and have broke them before! However, that was a long time ago when I used to drink too much and would make agreements with God as I was curled over the toilet throwing up! Like you haven't . . .

My knee is numb. I don't know if it's the shot, the pills or time. Regardless, I feel like I could run forever. I am, however, being patient.

I am digging this right now:
Craig Cardiff - -Dance Me Outside

Saturday evening . . .

Good day.
Our son's team qualified for Sectionals in Cross Country. I am proud of him. He is a freshman and has ran every race on the varsity team. He finishes back of the pack but the experience he is getting right now by getting his butt whipped at this young age is worth a ton by the time he will be a junior and senior.

The shot has not started working. The little voice in my head tells me that my knee is so shredded that a little medicine shot into my kneecap and some pills aren't going to make much of a difference. I am afraid that the little voice might be "reason" this time. In all honesty, the thought of going yet ANOTHER day without running is suffocating.

I am not sure what I am going to do. I understand that if I have knee surgery it will be minor compared to the 3 hour knee surgery that I have already had . . . .it is not the surgery that I am worried about . . . .it is the realization that I am wearing my body out. Regardless of my faith, I have a hard time coming to grips with my own mortality. And I would guess . . . .if people were REALLY honest with themselves, I'm not the only one.

For those of you who read this that I do not know . . . .I understand that I have a tendency of writing about some of the more honest, darker shades of life! For those that KNOW me, I am also a great "liver" of life. I am just at the point in my life where if getting older bothers then it bothers me . . .no more games. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. If I'm scared, I'm scared. The one thing that I won't die of is keeping things inside . . .including love. God has a plan . . . .

Friday Night . . .

Chili with some friends.
High School football.

Saturday
Cross Country Regionals
College football . . .will probably go to the Knox game with my offspring.

Sunday
Church
NFL Football

Monday
Bears game.

The medicine is starting to numb my knee. One year ago I would take that as a sign to go out and rip off 5 miles. . .I miss THAT guy.

This is the CD I listened on my drive home tonight:

Gregory Isakov

Torn . . . .

Went to the Doctor today.

He suspects a torn meniscus.

I got a corizone shot. In 43 years I have never had a shot in my knee.

From what I understand, a torn meniscus never really heals itself and surgery doesn't always work.

We are going to see if the shot reduces some of the inflammation. If the knee still gives me problems in a month . . . .surgery might be the next decision.

As for running?

We'll see . . . . .

However . . . . . . . .I am not dying as a result of my knee. My family loves me and I love them. I am going to heaven as a result of grace . .. . and the Bears are on their way to another winning season!

Doctor Today . . .

Worked out again this morning.
I got home from the Y at 6:15AM and sat in my parked  car in the street for a moment.
If things went as planned I would be running in the Des Moines Marathon this weekend. I looked out at the street and saw visions of me returning home after a run. This would have been a short 3 mile run today just to stretch the legs out. I am a long ways from 26.2 miles right now. I have a Doctor's appointment today at 8:30AM.

Make no mistake . . . I know that I am not dying here. I mean, I am dying but not because of my knee. There are 30 million other people in the world who have it worse off than me...

Ugh . . . .

I have worked out 9 times in the last 7 days.

The buzz is not even remotely the same as running.

I have resigned myself to the fact that the Doctor is going to have to schedule an MRI on Thursday. I also recently changed my insurance so I am really looking forward to paying the first $4,000 out of my pocket.

I am going to the Y again tomorrow. I am going to use this time away from running to really work on my overall fitness. I am not very good at being injured. I don't have all of the time in the world left in my life. Every day that I am sidelined is one more day that I get older. The same holds true for you . . .whatever it is you wanted to do today and couldn't - or didn't.

Funny . . . .

Those of you who read the last couple sentences of my post yesterday . . .joke is on me. Didn't spell check . . .changed it to protect the innocent!

This sucks . . .

1 mile around the track.
I limped the last 2 laps.
5 hours I am really paying the price.
My knee seems to be locking up.
I feel like a slob.
My body is used to burning 500 calories before the sun comes up and 1,000 to 2,000 on Sunday mornings..

Take that away and see what happens.
I've been lifting weights at the Y every day but that is not the same for me.

Crazy how just a few weeks ago I ran 20 miles and now I can't make it around the track 4 times. I could withstand the pain for 3 or 4 miles if I knew that I wasn't causing further damage.

Mark this post down as a bitch session because that's what it is . . . .I spent my whole summer training for something that seems a million years away.

All I want to do is beat the crap out of myself on the road again, sweat, perservere, overcome, defeat . . .all of the stuff that running gives you. Instead, I am going to head to the pantry and get another cookie!

I'm still kickin' . . .

I have received hate mail.
I have been told that every day I am losing followers.
I have been told that I am going to be taken out of certain people's wills.
Yesterday I was driving home and a plane flew overhead pulling a sign that simply read: YOU SUCK DOUG.

All of this hate . . . .because I haven't written on this blog for awhile.

I am back and make this promise to you faithful followers. For the next 30 days I will post something. I don't want anymore hate mail. I don't want to lose followers - I want to lead. I can't afford to be taken out of wills. I don't want to look 12,000 feet in the air and see my name being drug behind a beat up 1974 Cessna airplane. I was told that if I did not post something every day for the next 30 days that my "Blog of the Year" nomination would be in jeapardy.

I haven't been running.
I have an appointment on Thursday with the Doctor who did my first knee surgery.
I believe that I am injured. My guess would be that I have a torn MCL.
I feel like I have gained 19 pounds in the past week.

But . . . . . . . I love my family. I am going to heaven. The Bears are having a winning season . . . .and I'm not going to get any more hate mail!

New stuff tomorrow . . . . . . . . .

I have been listening to the new The Avett Brothers album. This is one of my favorites:

I'm not so sure . . . .

I ran 3.5 miles this dark, early morning.

I stumbled over a dead possum.

I felt good my whole run.

At about noon today (6 hours after my run) my bad knee started aching again. It is like a tooth ache on the inside of my knee. I am a little concerned that it could be something more than tendonitis.


It is a pretty hopeless feeling knowing that I will have a "last" run.
It is a pretty hopeless feeling when your body doesn't do what it used to do . .doesn't look like it used to . . .doesn't work the way it once did . .. I don't mean this in a vanity type of way, not even in an athletic type of way . . . just a human type of way. Life is moving far too fast for me right now. Not just my life .. but my wife's life and my kids' life . . .I wish that I could "pause" things right now.

I found this quote yesterday and it may be (other than the promises in the bible) the closest thing to truth (for me) that I know.

This is where I am . . .

I ran today for the first time since last Monday. This is the longest that I have gone without running for years and years and years and years . . . .

I ran 2.2 miles this morning at 5:30AM.
No music - - -just the moon and my labored breathe. The chest cold that I have had for the past week makes for interesting sounds . . . .

I am going to run again tomorrow. The tendonitis in my right knee seems to be very happy with me for taking time off. Tendonitis as a whole does not usually slow me down but when it is in the knee that I have had surgery on it nerves me.

I am not running in the Des Moines Marathon. I think that people were thinking that I would change my mind . . .I am not going to change my mind.

20 weeks of marathon training and you throw it all away because of a little tendonitis, a chest cold, a big toenail that is about to completely come off  and a dead dog?! Yep!

For now, I am going to continue to enjoy my morning moonlight runs, a right knee that is not pissed at me all of the time and the memory of my first marathon . . .because after all, I HAVE ran 26.2 miles . . .just not THIS time.